My yellow notebook #11 – TURNING POINT 1999 – PART 2
At the end of the nineties, I had arrived at a point at which I could avoid the existential question no longer: should I continue to hold fast to an accustomed status that, subconsciously, was making me increasingly uncomfortable. For me internally, “Cosmic Baby” was developing more and more into a forced ideal, an image, a role, a brand: For the public and for me myself, the person Harald Blüchel disappeared behind the (consciously) created persona of the artist, which started to dominate me and whose expectations could no longer be met by the real person made of flesh and blood. There was no longer any distance, just a fatal fusion with a final takeover.
I was forced to realize: my entire life was built around “Cosmic Baby”. Who was I actually, otherwise? What remained of me?
Cosmic Baby was effectively a living musical instrument and creative resonance chamber, and had become my total identification: the bundled moments of ecstasy, the drunken euphoria, the pure joy of sharing a rave at parties and concerts. The feeling of being unified coupled with complete confirmation of self. The feeling of doing something here and now, that made the Earth move for the better. The feeling of being loved for doing something that originated in me. The feeling of doing something that makes others happy. The feeling of being understood in a community. The feeling with all my creative potential to do something really meaningful, to share in something that looked like it could change the world. The feeling of doing something for the thing itself – without any hidden agenda. Finding friends and like-minded people everywhere on Earth.
Turning my back on this opened up a huge gulf. What should I do with my time? Time that had previously been filled with performances, studio takes, PR and permanent planning for the future? How do you organise your life when your income is going to dry up after retiring from the stage? Will I remain musically creative? What will happen with my self-worth? On the other hand, isn’t it great to be able to start all over again from the beginning? To regain control of your life? Have time to think and reflect? To have the possibility of finding a new way of to structure your life – with the future wide open?
I gained courage from the thought that I would not forget anything from the techno period, that I did not need to banish anything from my memory. I wanted to keep these treasures with me but not exploit them, not betray them, not carry on against my better judgement, just to, as they say, “make the best of it”.
Question: “Do I miss my previous life” Answer: “What people mean by “missing” is basically related to what they “need” to be able to live a life that they have determined themselves to the greatest possible extent and to find as much inner peace as possible.”
I will try to remember how it was. What I missed first and foremost was:
• being constantly on the road
• being constantly occupied
• the shot of adrenalin before and during concerts.
Then I missed:
• being in the spotlight
• being celebrated
• always having something “new” to talk about
• the direct musical inspiration from travelling to new places around the globe/the intensive human interaction and friendships, which more or less just popped up by themselves.
And generally, I missed the feeling of having something like an “access to all areas” pass – the feeling of having access to all levels of society without the need to justify or explain myself: Doors were wide open, I was constantly being contacted by “big names” and interesting people. I could call who I wanted. I could ask for whatever I wanted. I didn’t have to care about money …
It took some time to get my head free of this. It is like standing on the deck of a ship as it leaves port and in front of you is just an open horizon. The land behind you gets smaller and smaller and slowly disappears from view and all around you is just water. The open sea! The things I am familiar with slowly lose significance and, although the destination of the voyage is still totally out of sight, you reach a point where you no longer want to turn back as in the meantime so many new ideas, experiences and feelings have crystallized and established themselves. Distancing yourself from the old creates space for the new.
I found that what can only be described as a thoroughly successful time of my life was precisely what was needed to actually let go, to head for new shores; that there is room in one lifetime to explore various ways of living it.
Between 2000 and today, the following became clear to me: real value cannot be counted, measured or accumulated; real value is suspiciously close to what is understood as inner peace. And what that is can only be decided ON THEIR OWN by the person looking for a new life. Keep the distinction between inner and outer freedom sharply defined: external freedom can always be manipulated and compromised by external forces. But not inner freedom: You alone are responsible for that. If you can develop that, nobody can take it away from you. It is the fountainhead of your attitude, your view of things and set both your heart and your mind behind it. You exercise restraint, because you can make a distinction and therefore you make a decision. You teach yourself the “right path”. With all its twists and turns. Your are on course …