where I am going to
i came to wedding in november 2003.
I will be going again in november 2007.
I lived alone.
i came with the desire to get to the bottom of my soul.
to see beyond the edges of my feelings.
i decided to look my inner turmoil in the face
-without ifs and buts.
I finally wanted to go beyond this limit,
over this barrier of fear, uncertainty and loss of self,
setting off into the forbidden zone.
a fight to the death.
I was ready for it.
I thought it might be a little easier.
I had to go completely into the darkness again halfway through,
through a never-ending desert.
but I never let go.
i came more and more into contact with spheres and elements of myself that had previously been untouchable.
i had to go back to my childhood, to the source of my conditions.
I was finally ready for it.
i learned that there is a difference between the true self and the prescribed self.
i learned to recognize the differences and understand their origins.
i have never known what inner freedom is.
i never knew the difference between inner freedom and outer freedom.
i felt for the first time: my own grief, my own pain, my own anger, my own emptiness.
i am finally becoming my own father and mother.
i will finally wake up as an adult.
(sept 07)